How to Handle Stress

Before you read this, please make sure you have first read the “Basics of Mental Health” page.

Please allow me to start with a story I like:

The teacher lifted her hand up high and held it in the air while her students watched. “You see,” she said to them, “if I hold my hand up in the air for a minute, it’s OK. If I hold my hand for 5 minutes, it may be hard for me. But if I keep doing it every day, eventually it will strengthen my muscles. BUT — if I hold my hand like this for 24 hours or more, it will hurt me.”

The message is clear: stress is a part of life and we can never avoid it completely. Just like the teacher’s hand in the air, it’s OK to have stress here and there during our day for a short period of time — but we should release it before it hurts us.

As for myself, I usually like to release stress every day after working hours — even when I’m working after 5 PM, I feel much more relaxed. And the evenings are my sacred time! I take a good shower and relax while reading, watching something, or meditating. Even when I spend the evening with friends or family, I am much more relaxed than I am during the day. I kind of split my day into two halves: morning and noon as times of productivity (under what I call “positive pressure,” which is a different form of stress and I’ll explain that later), and the afternoon/evening/night as my time of relaxation.

So why are we so stressed?

In most cases, the reason for stress is our desire for control. The more we want things to be done our way, the more stress we experience. It’s like a cycle we can’t escape.
To release stress, we must first learn how to release control. And as the famous saying goes:

“Don’t worry! NOTHING is under control!”

It may sound like a funny (or not-so-funny) joke, but it is very real. We only have control over one thing in our life: whether or not we overcome our inner opponent.

Our inner opponent is our reactive behavior — anger, fear, frustration, and any other negative emotions.
It is also the inner voice that tells us we are wrong, not worthy, should blame others, or should stay angry.

If we manage to rise above our inner opponent, we immediately reveal more “light” in our life — which expresses itself in better life circumstances and… fewer stressful situations.

There are 2 kinds of stress: “positive pressure” and “negative stress.”
What is positive pressure?

Every time we are engaged in something positive in our life — such as completing a great project or having a baby (and we are excited and happy about it) — that is positive pressure.
Yes, it may involve a lot of work, deadlines, or busy days, but it comes from a good place.
We all need this kind of pressure in order to lead a happy and meaningful life.

What is negative stress?

Negative stress happens every time we don’t feel safe or secure inside.
Every time we seek control over people or situations.
Every time fear, hate, jealousy, anger, or frustration appear.

This is the type of stress that can make us sick — physically, emotionally, or both.

In other words:

Getting angry at someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

So the real question is:
How do we enter a safe and secure state of mind that prevents us from falling into stress?

We cannot avoid stress — but we CAN control our reaction to it.

Stressful situations will always exist, but we can learn how to manage our reaction to them. That single choice can change everything.

Let me share a story that helped me understand this deeply.

The 500-Year Perspective

About 10 years ago, I visited the Art Gallery of Ontario in Toronto. One of the floors had an exhibition of a 500-year-old elegant room from a palace. The entire room was displayed exactly as it looked centuries ago: furniture, bed linens, jewelry, and even the portrait of the lady who once lived there.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the chair next to her jewelry drawer. I imagined her sitting there, thinking about her life problems… crying, smiling, worrying — just like we all do.

And now, 500 years later — where is she? Gone.
Where are her problems? Gone.
Where is her jewelry and precious furniture? Inside a museum, admired by strangers.

I almost wished I could go back 500 years and tell her:

“Hey pretty girl, your problems don’t really matter! Everything will be gone sooner than you think. Smile and enjoy your life while you can.”

Since then, whenever I face a problem, I ask myself:

Where will this problem be in 500 years? 50 years? One year? Next week?
And then I smile and let go.

Think back:

How many times did something look horrible at first, but then everything turned out fine?

We worry about things we cannot control. But the truth is — nothing is under control. Even the things we believe are under control… are not.

To illustrate this, here is the classic story of “Good Luck or Bad Luck?”:

The Village Story

Many years ago, a boy fell off a horse and broke his leg.
Everyone in the village said: “What bad luck!”

The next day, all the young men were drafted to war — except the boy with the broken leg.
Everyone said: “What good luck!”

Then, the family’s only horse ran away.
Everyone said: “What bad luck!”

The next day, the horse returned — with three new beautiful horses.
Everyone said: “What good luck!”

By now you understand:
We know nothing.
We think we know what’s good or bad, but we don’t see the whole picture.

So what CAN we control?

Only one thing:

Our reaction to whatever happens.

If you fail a test, you can:

• cry,
• blame yourself,
• blame others,
• overeat,
• or fall into depression…

OR you can smile (even if it feels unnatural), learn from it, and move on to the next test with more clarity and better preparation.

This is what it means to resist your reactive behavior.
This is how you turn a negative event into something positive.

And yes — I fall into these traps sometimes too.
No one is perfect.
But practice makes progress, and the more we practice, the better we get.

Bottom line:

• Stress is responsible for most diseases.
• It’s not our setbacks that define our life — it’s how we react to them.
• The only thing we can truly control is our reaction to whatever happens.
• Good stress (“positive pressure”) is an integral part of life.